The Timeless One

(I'm currently taking a writers class at school. One of the assignments was to write 200-400 words about the way we encounter God and connect with Him. I wrote a little poetic piece about how I meet with God in peaceful rest.) 

In the soft whispers of silence I hear my strong Savior speak. It's in the hidden corners of a world full of whirlwinds that I meet with the Prince of Peace. The Timeless One is never in a rush. 

He holds me tight as I unwind in His everlasting embrace. He trades pressure for peace, fear for freedom and hurry for hope. I linger at His feet as time seems to stand still. I dive into the depths of His gaze and let His furious love drown me. 

Only melodies of music surround me and only my pen can find the paper. Words form worlds when my eyes find the face of my Maker. I sketch the outlines of His countenance and allow the limited vocabulary of my heart to describe this Relentless Lover. The form of His faithfulness and the shape of His steadfastness paints the rest of my day. 

His loving affection pours over me like a powerful waterfall that I can barely stand. How can I ever receive a love so limitless? 

But I lean into His arms to hear His words in my ear. "And if you can't grasp it today, I will still be here tomorrow."

In rest I am found, in peace I will remain. 

Blog update BSSM

Something that has been on my to-do-list for ages is writing an update for my BSSM blog. Since I'm leaving Thursday for Nica, I had to write it this weekend. Tadaaaa http://judieeline.blogspot.com/2013/03/times-flies.html there it is! I feel so accomplished! Haha, anyways, here is my part as an update on how my heart and life are doing. Sorry, it's in Dutch!

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Wow, de tijd vliegt! Er gebeurt hier zoveel in een korte tijd dat het soms moeilijk is om tijd vrij te maken voor dingen zoals een blog update. Maar wij zijn jullie zeker niet vergeten en het spijt ons als dat zo lijkt! Eline zegt wel eens: “Neem een maand van een gemiddeld persoon en prop dat in één week. Welkom in mijn leven.” En zo lijkt het inderdaad, processen waar je normaal maanden of zelfs jaren over doet, gaan je hier in een aantal weken doorheen. Dit is een enorme zegen omdat  we zo heel snel kunnen groeien. Maar dat maakt deze tijd ook heel intensief, omdat al die processen wel tijd, aandacht en energie nodig hebben.

Wat is er de afgelopen maanden gebeurd in onze harten en onze levens?

Eline:

Ik heb de afgelopen maand een aantal van de moeilijkste, en meest belangrijke weken van m’n leven meegemaakt. Moeilijk omdat ik door een proces van innerlijke genezing heen ging, met alle emoties die daarbij komen. Innerlijke genezing is niet alleen voor mensen die trauma’s hebben of een verschrikkelijke jeugd hebben gehad. Ieder persoon heeft ergens diep van binnen pijn en angsten (gehad), omdat niemand een perfect leven heeft (gehad). Veel mensen beseffen dit niet, omdat ze niet diep in hun hart durven te kijken, omdat ze bang zijn voor wat ze zullen ontdekken. Dit is heel begrijpelijk, maar als je beseft dat Gods liefde alle angst verdrijft en alle pijn geneest, geeft dit zowel moed als hoop om door die diepere lagen van je binnenkant heen te werken. Het klinkt alsof dat een hoop zwaar werk is en je zelf moet gaan graven in je hart. Maar ik heb die weken juist ervaren dat ik helemaal niet zelf ‘aan de slag met mezelf hoef’, maar dat ik me gewoon kan richten op God. Als ik Hem toestemming geef om zo diep te gaan als Hij weet dat ik op dit moment aankan, doet Zijn liefde de rest. Deze maanden heb ik Gods liefde dichterbij ervaren als ooit tevoren. Hoewel het lang niet altijd makkelijk was om te beseffen dat ik ook onbeantwoorde behoeftes, genegeerde pijn en gedreven angsten in de hoekjes van m’n hart had wonen, gaven de bijzondere ontmoetingen met God me zowel de kracht als de motivatie om verder te kijken. Ik hield me vast aan de belofte dat achter iedere angst een schatkamer van vrijheid ligt. (meer hierover heb ik geschreven in m’n stukje “Tears are diamonds”)

Die belofte is echt waar. Na dit proces voel ik me letterlijk een ander mens, of beter gezegd, ik voel me mezelf geworden, zonder de lagen van angst en gekwetstheid die m’n echte identiteit verstoppen. Ik heb meer liefde voor mensen, voor mezelf en voor God en ik ben meer in staat liefde te ontvangen van mensen en van God. Ik heb mezelf en God zoveel beter leren kennen! Ik ben wie ik ben en dat is genoeg. Niet wat ik doe bepaalt wie ik ben, maar wie ik ben bepaalt wat ik doe. Dat is een waarheid die ik al jarenlang geloofde met m’n hoofd, maar onbewust nog geen deel waren van mijn levensstijl en mijn hart. Nu kan ik echt zeggen dat ik dit begrijp, geloof en uitleef. Ik weet wie ik ben en dat maakt het leven eigenlijk heel erg simpel. Liefde, vrede en vreugde zijn dingen die automatisch uit mij stromen als ik mezelf ben, omdat ik ben gemaakt in het evenbeeld van de God die de Liefde Zelf is, de Vredevorst is en in wiens aanwezigheid volledige vreugde is (1 John 4: 16, Jesaja 9:6 en Psalm 16:11). Mensen lief hebben is geen hard werk meer of iets wat ik ‘moet’ doen, maar iets wat heel natuurlijk is om te doen, omdat ik gemaakt ben voor liefde! Ik heb me nog nooit zo vrij gevoeld om mezelf te zijn. God is ontzettend goed!

Ik heb me inmiddels ook aangemeld voor het tweede jaar van BSSM. Op 21 februari schreef ik hierover op Facebook: Ik heb me net aangemeld voor BSSM tweede jaar! :) Waarom nog een jaar bij Bethel? Omdat het eerste jaar zich richt op identiteit en het tweede jaar op leiderschap. Ik wil tweede jaar doen omdat ik meer van God wil, dieper in Zijn hart wil gaan en meer wil ervaren van Zijn aanwezigheid. Ik wil leren hoe ik een goede rentmeester kan zijn met de zegeningen, doorbraken en openbaringen die ik heb ontvangen, zodat het kan toenemen en ik het kan delen met de mensen om me heen! Ik wil nog langer in deze cultuur doordrenkt worden, zodat ik de cultuur van opwekking kan creeeren overal waar ik ga! Papa God en ik hebben het erover gehad en we vonden het allebei een goed idee om terug te komen in Redding na de zomer! :)

Aankomende donderdag vertrek ik op mijn zendingsreis naar Nicaragua. Ik heb al het geld binnen gekregen op bijzondere wijze door giften, God heeft voorzien! Iedereen die gebeden heeft of een gift gegeven heeft; ontzettend bedankt! Alles wat ik meemaak in Nica deze weken zullen ook een deel van jouw leven zijn omdat je in mijn ‘team’ zit! Ik heb enorm veel zin in de reis, we gaan voornamelijk met een lokale ministry mee die daar op de vuillnisbelt Tikatipa de mensen lief hebt en de kinderen voedt. We zullen ook kerken bezoeken, de straten opgaan, veel tijd nemen om voor mensen te bidden, met kinderen spelen en Gods aanwezigheid brengen in het op twee-na-armste land van Zuid-Amerika. Ik ben benieuwd naar alle getuigenissen die hieruit gaan komen! Ik moet wel toegeven dat ik de afgelopen dagen een klein beetje gestrest ben, omdat het voor mij heel belangrijk is om me goed voor te bereiden. Buiten alle praktische voorbereiding om (die ook veel tijd kosten), wil ik me ook geestelijk en emotioneel kunnen voorbereiden op een intensieve bedieningstijd deze reis. Maar aangezien school nog door gaat en ik nog veel moet regelen voor donderdag, kan ik niet helemaal de rust/tijd voor de emotionele voorbereiding vinden. Zouden jullie voor vrede en mogelijkheid tot rust willen bidden?

En dan zijn er nog duizenden dingen die ik zou kunnen vertellen die we hier mee maken. Bizarre ontmoetingen, bemoedigende getuigenissen, radicale veranderingen, grote dromen, leuke uitjes en creatieve expressies. Je kunt hierover lezen op onze Facebook updates, mijnpersoonlijke blog of anders in persoon naar vragen als we terug zijn. Bedankt voor je tijd, gebed en betrokkenheid!

The importance of love

Please let me remind you of what I've been reminded of over and over again: the importance of love. 

Listen with me, I can hear the heart cries around me and within me: LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM. 

In this culture of extreme annointing it's easy to love someone for what they do, what they have, what they carry or what they can give. In this culture of willingness to help, it's easy to love someone for what they need. In this culture of fast changes, it's easy to love someone for who they were. In this prophetic culture, it's easy to love someone for who they will be. But the truth is, you will not love someone when they are who they will be unless you love them for who they are right now, because the person they will be is already in the person they are now. 

It's easy to love people for what they do, what they have, what they give, what they need, who they were and who they will be. It's a life task to love people for who they are. 

If your life is a pen and you're writing a message on every heart you encounter, the most powerful words you can engrave in their hearts is: "I love you for who you are and I want you to know the One whose nature is Love." 

When my time here on earth is done and I go to my beautiful King (how I love Him!), there's only one thing I want to hear from His mouth and read in His eyes. I don't care how powerful my ministry has been, how many churches have been awakened by my preachings and books, how many bodies and hearts have been healed through my prayers and not even how many people have said 'yes' to Jesus in my lifetime. I only care about one thing and that's hearing Him say: "She knew how to love people for who they are, because she saw Me in every single one of them." 

No matter what I say, what I believe and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

(1 Corinthians 13: 4, The Message). 

Tears are diamonds

Tears are diamonds

“Autch!” I quickly withdraw my hands as the hot stove leaves a mark on them. As cold water tries to cool down the burning, I wonder about how my fingers would look if my natural response to pain wouldn’t be to withdraw. Luckily my body reacts faster than my conscious mind does in those situations. I’ve learned my lesson, oven gloves are not just a nice accessory, but rather really necessary. Pain has taught me well.

Just as your body, your heart’s response to pain is withdrawal. When you are hurt by someone, your first reaction is to withdraw. Pain cries out for protection and restoration and it won’t stop crying until it’s satisfied. You can put it in a locked, soundproof room of your heart, but that won’t make Pain stop crying, you just won’t hear it anymore. It’s cry for protection will make you shut yourself off. Pain never wants to be repeated, no matter the cost. But what pain doesn’t make you realize is that when you respond out of hurt, the only result is more pain. By protecting yourself you miss out on the most important things you need for restoration.

To some degree, we all are afraid of pain. Some people already start crying when someone steps on their toe, while others only say “that’s unfortunate!” when a nail pierces their two fingers. But even you have such a high pain tolerance as the man in the last situation (it’s a true story), you will always try to prevent pain. Pain’s purpose is to become more careful so it can be prevented. Next time I’ll take lasagna out of the oven, I will first make sure I’m wearing my oven gloves! The more afraid you are for pain, the more careful you’re living in order to prevent it.

Pain has a very clear message and the difficult thing is that the message is true. You need to be protected and sometimes you need to be careful because the pain is an indication for real danger. But the message pain gives is not the full truth, it’s influenced by fear. Especially when pain is locked up in the soundproof room, it screams louder and louder in order to be heard, until the point that it’s message is taken into extremes. Unprocessed pain can destroy your heart once it breaks loose and the fear for more pain can wreck your life. Pain itself is not wrong, but the way we deal with it is the problem.

Pain is not bad, we’ve attached way more fear to it than necessary. We have become afraid to let people come close to us, because of the fear of being hurt (again). But only when you let people come close enough to hurt you, they are close enough to love you. I smile when a stranger says I’m beautiful, but after 10 minutes I already forgot about it. But if my best friend or my mentor points out an aspect of my identity which is admirable,  I feel truly loved. The love of the ones who are closer to you is more valuable than the love of the ones who are at a distance. That’s why you can only receive love to the extend you’ve allowed people to come close you. That’s also why you are always hurt the most by the ones you love the most. They know your weaknesses, most vulnerable parts,  insecurities and secrets. Just touching one of your wounds can be more hurtful than a stab of a knife at a healthy spot. Every time you share you heart, you’re taking a risk. You’re giving people an opportunity to hurt your inner core, but you’re also giving them an opportunity to get to know you better. To know you is to love you, so the more people know you, the more they love you.

God once told me: “You are fighting the arms that are meant to hold you.” As I started thinking about this, I saw what He meant. For years I’ve been trying to be as independent and self-sufficient as possible, until I found out this year that those were not virtues but hindrances for growth. I started to learn to express my needs and let others help me. In that process I felt incredibly vulnerable. It was scary to see how much closer people could come. Luckily I’m in a very safe environment, surrounded by people who want the best for me. But I wasn’t used to having people come so close, so I found myself withdrawing from those relationships or fighting their attempts to help me. I was so afraid of pain, that I tried to protect myself while I actually was withholding myself from the things I needed the most: love, support, understanding and protection.

Even with God this is true. We are afraid to let Him come too close, because His love opens up the doors of our heart, especially the locked ones with screaming pain behind them. But He will always give us the love and the strength to be able to process the pain. I’ve had some pretty tough weeks this month because of this very reason, but I can truly say it’s all worth it. Because of some emotional healing,  I now experience deeper levels of love for God, from God, from people and for people. I could have shut off and stopped the processes that we were working through, because it was too painful. But I learned to hold on the hands with holes who were healing the holes in my heart. I discovered that the most valuable treasures are often found in dark corners of fear and in deep rivers of tears. You can’t heal the wounds you don’t know you have and you can’t receive the things you don’t know you need. Discovering your wounds and needs can be extremely painful, but it’s the only way to healing and full wholeness.

So take the risk. Accept Daddy God’s love. Let people come close. Process the pain. Let them love you. Listen to your pain, but let Love’s message be the only one that remains. Let love come, even if the measure of love is bigger than the measure of what you think are worth. Go deep. Share your heart. Feel. Cry. Live.

 Because tears caught in the light of the Sun are always transformed into diamonds. 

Poems and tears

Words are the way my inside gets outside. And if, only for a moment, my inside contains a lot of water, a night of processing emotions turns into a couple of pages full of poems and tears. :) 

"“When does this stop?!
End this endless flow,
these waves of emotions!”

She screamed silently
while she floated
up and
        down.

But then she realized
she was addicted to the water."

--

"Even though,
the bright white
hurts my eyes

And more,
the mysterious black
scares my heart

Rather this,
then any shade of grey."

--

"I stare outside
my church window
and wonder what the
world would look like
if we truly believed
the word
was never meant to live
only inside the word.

Even its letters
scream to break out
into the reader’s life."

--

"I think there’s a good reason
that my left hand
doesn't fit into my right.

Even they understand
I need others too."

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"I know you promised to always be my tree,
but if I come as a whirlwind,
would you still be able to handle me?"

--

"A blank paper,
waiting to be breathed upon,
proves to me
the beauty of nothing.
So empty of anything,
yet so full of everything."

-- 

"I’m too much in love with
depths
to be ever afraid of
heights." 

©ElineMillenaar

Prophetic painting

My lovely roommate Kaitie gave me the most incredible Christmas present ever: she made this prophetic painting for me. Isn't it beautiful!?

This is so me. Seriously, this is a summary of who I am. The dancer, the freedom, the balance between order and chaos, the bright colors, the fire colors, the expressiveness: this is me!
And then the words, a part of the lyrics from a song:

"It was the rhythm of the dancers that gave the poet's life.

It was the spirit of the poets that gave the soldiers strength to fight.

It is the fire of the young ones,

it is the wisdom of the old." 

 - City on the hill 

That is me! Dancer, poet, soldier, fire and wisdom: things I am or want to be. Wow!
Every time I walk in my bedroom and see this painting above my bed, I get reminded of my identity and destiny!

Beautiful mess

“I’m a mess, I’m a mess, I’m a mess right now,

Don’t fix me up, just lay me down,

You fill me up to pour me out,

I am undone.”

-Steffany Frizzell, spontaneous song

Think of all the masterpieces which wouldn’t exist if the artists weren’t allowed to make a mess. What a loss, right? Now think of all the spiritual, mental and emotional masterpieces that don’t exist because we don’t allow ourselves and others to make a mess. Isn’t that an even greater loss than the artistic masterpieces?

Sometimes we need a mess in order to create beauty. Sometimes we value order way too much, so we don’t let the process happen. But if we want to grow, we must allow things to come up to the surface. When things come up to the surface, it can become messy, because we aren’t used to having those deep things out in the open.

A couple of weeks ago I was in one of those very messy growing seasons. It was painful, it was confusing and it sure was chaotic. A growth-bomb exploded in the room of my heart. The floor was filled with pictures and photographs, showing experiences from the past and the present. The walls had splashes of paint, all the different colors of my emotion-pallet were dripping from the walls. Through the splashes of color there were written words and sentences. Some were lies and some were truths, some were carved into the walls and some were just written with a pencil, some were ending with an exclamation mark and some were ending in a point. Question marks as big as chairs were seated at the sides of the room, asking for answers to sit in them. Fears were shivering in some corners of shadow, holding on to insecurities to cover them. Every time I decided to leave the fast stream of daily life for a moment and entered the room in my heart, I was shocked by the mess.

My character, habits and nature screamed: “Clean it up! Create order in this chaos!” But somehow I could find beauty in this big, exploded mess. I fought against the urge to clean it up, the only thing I did was walk around often to observe the things that were happening in the big messy process of growth and learn from it. And every time I walked around the room, I opened a window to let the Wind in. I trusted the One who was standing right in the middle of the mess, He knew what He was doing and knew when it would be the time to clean it up. I believed it was not only going to be okay, it was also going to create something beautiful.

And it did. I learned more from the weeks my heart was in this messy process than in the weeks my heart was orderly. The mess was necessary for God to paint the masterpiece of my identity clearer, more beautiful and with brighter colors. Because I could let the Wind, the Holy Spirit, do what He wanted to do in this process, I was able to even enjoy the process before seeing the result. I often had to make the choice to not try to fix myself or let others fix me, but just allow myself to feel crappy for some moments (but not let my feelings take over completely!). I had to choose not to search for the easy answers to my questions, but be okay to not be sure about some things and not have my opinion as strong and secure as always. I had to choose to not pretend like the pains and fears weren’t there, but face them and work through them and their causes together with God. I had to choose not to let the process end before we actually worked through the depths of the problem. I let Go(d) and the mess turned into beauty in His timing.

I want to encourage you to have the courage to let a process last for as long as it takes and to not be afraid of messes. Let your roots grow deep, even if it hurts to grow through a hard layer in the ground. Allow messes, not only for yourself, but also for others. Sometimes people don’t want to get fixed, don’t want answers to their questions or a solution to their problems. Sometimes they just need a shoulder the cry on, a hug to tell them they’re loved, a listening silence which invites them to share their hearts and an acceptance of who they are, what they’re going through and what they feel. It’s okay if the answer to ‘how are you’ is not ‘good’, because you can rather be real than perfect. Allow yourself and others to be real by not expecting perfection. The most beautiful masterpieces come out of the most chaotic messes.

“Where no oxen are, the crib is clean: but much increase is by the strength of the ox.”
                - Proverbs 

How to enjoy life

 I'm always posting extreme-excited, heavenly-happy and life-loving Facebook updates, because that's just a reflection of how I am feeling and how much I love my life. People who are not that happy get annoyed by it, and the ones who are loving life too get inspired by it. Someone asked me how I can live life without holding back. He was jealously inspired by how I am living. That's an amazing compliment and a great question.

So I came up with 12 tips how to enjoy life. :)

How to live life like you really mean it: 

1. Explore Gods love

Without this first step, all the other ones are just fake counterfeits. Experiencing how much God loves you gives you a whole different way of living. He can also heal every pain and fear inside of you, which can hinder you to enjoy life. Take lots and lots of time to spend with God, not because you have to, but because you will feel the most complete, happy and yourself in His presence. Just rest in His presence, listen to His voice, pray your heart out, read the Bible, worship etc.

2. Make other people happy

“Happiness is like a perfume. You cannot pour it on others without getting a few drops on yourself.” Invest in friendships, make the people around you feel loved. Discover their love language so you can love them on purpose. Loving them in our own love language is great, but it’s even better to love them in THEIR love language! Look for people who are in need, physically or emotionally, and help them, listen to them and love them.

3. Surround yourself with happy, positive, Spirit-filled friends who know who they are.

Nothing more inspiring than community!

4. Create a me-time-list

What makes you happy? If you could do anything, what would it be? What makes you feel alive? Every week, make a list of the things that you really want to do. Note that you can't have anything on this list which you HAVE to do, or what OTHERS want to do. This list is about what you want to do. Keep it simple, keep it small. And important: make sure you do everything on the list that week, so make time for me-time!

5. Learn something new

What have you always wanted to do, but you feel you're not able to do? Perhaps learn a new language, play an instrument, start sporting or doing something creative. There are a lot of people around you with amazing talents, ask them to teach you some of that! Great bonding time with them and you get to grow in your talents!

6. Be aware of the beauty around you

There are so many beautiful things around you, which we don't see because we're so often in a hurry. Stop, slow down and take time to enjoy all these little beautiful things. My tip: never be in a hurry. Hurrying is not a sign of productivity, but a sign of a bad planning or being too busy. When you have to hurry, you don't have the time to look around and notice beautiful nature/people.

7. Journal everyday

Every evening take at least 10 minutes to journal. If you don't like writing, you can also just take a guitar and sing it out, or talk to your phone while recording it. Journaling is great, because you can process your day, save your memories, learn to appreciate daily life better by writing it down and it stimulates your emotional awareness. Don't only journal what you did, but also why and how it made you feel. Don't write like someone can read it, spit everything out, put your heart in words.

8. Emotional awareness

 End (or begin) your daily journal with: How am I doing? (or pray: Jesus, how am I doing?) Try to put your feelings in words and try to find the cause of your feelings. Feelings always have a cause. They either come from someone else (if you're a feeler or a burden bearer you can adopt a feeling of someone else as your own) or from yourself. If you have a bad feeling, you can trace it back to: when did it start? What were my thoughts in that moment? What am I really longing for right now? (shows the need/void in your heart that needs to be filled).

9. Break out of your box once in a while.

Do something crazy. Something you would never do, something which you’re afraid of (taking risks makes you feel alive) or something you haven’t done in a while but you love to do. Get out of your normal daily life and go out! There are a lot of fun stuff you can do, just take a day or a weekend to have fun! Go out of your house, out of your town, meet some friends, treat yourself on something etc.

10.  Don’t worry, be childlike

Worrying is a joy-killer. You can’t enjoy while worrying. Kids don’t worry, that’s why they can enjoy life so easily. Kids don’t care what others think about them, are not worried about their reputation. Kids are not thinking about tomorrow, because they live today. They can enjoy, play and laugh genuinely because they trusting their parents to take care of them. If we’re trusting our Daddy-God that He takes care of us, we can be childlike! Whatever you do, wherever you are: do it 100% and be there fully. Don’t think about your next appointment, don’t let your mind wonder of to the things you still need to do when you get home. Be 100% present in every moment, and I assure you, you will get things done 100 times more effective AND you will not have the feeling to live on the auto-pilot.

11. Have mini-vacations:

Through the day, take some 5-minute breaks. When you get home after school/work, don’t immediately start cooking or rushing to your next appointment. Slow down, lay down on your bed or on the couch and just do nothing but just staring at the ceiling. Set your alarm on 5 minutes, so you don’t have to look on the clock all the time and you won’t fall asleep and miss your next appointment. This helps you to calm down, realize how your heart is doing, connect with God again and process the things that just happened. You will not notice the 5 minutes in your time, but you will notice the difference those 5 minutes of rest made. You can also do this when going to the restroom: just take a minute to calm down and connect with God.

12. Dream and make them come true

Dream (together with God)! Dream big! Write down what you want to achieve in your life, what you want to do, where you want to go, who you want to become. And take steps in making them come true. Pray about the dream, let others speak into your dreams, take practical steps to do them, start planning things. Seeing dreams come true makes your heart beat stronger. 

Redding/BSSM update

These weeks in Redding, attending Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, are intense, overwhelming and extremely good! I don't have a lot of time to e-mail, blog or give another way of updating, but I try to post an update at least once a week. I'll share some parts of my journal, but because it's called the -world wide web- for a reason (everybody can read it) I won't share the real deep stuff. If you want to know how I'm really doing, please e-mail or comment so we can Skype!

Judie and I also wrote a post on our Dutch blog:
 http://judieeline.blogspot.com/2012/10/onze-eerste-maand-in-redding.html

Summary of week 15-21 September: 

Let me share something I wrote on a Friday after week tree in the USA. I was trying to summarize the things I've learned in the first two weeks of school: 

 The things I learned this week: (quotes, highlights and revelations:) 

• ·       Importance of being aware of Gods presence.
  “You can’t be aware of My presence, when you’re too aware of other people.” 
• ·         Accountability and community.
   ‘Learn to trust someone more than you trust yourself.”
   I am not an island, I have to grow horizontally too if  I want to grow vertically.
• ·         Royal identity versus poverty mentality. I can imitate God the best when I’m myself.
  “To know me is to love me, if you don’t love me, that’s just because you don’t know me.”
  “We teach people how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves.”
• ·         “When you put a pauper in a palace, he will make the palace a prision. But if you put a princess in a prison, she will transform the prison into a palace. You always reproduce the Kingdom around you that you have within you.”
• ·         “There are a lot of people who do so they can be, instead of do out of their being”
• ·         “There is a difference between normal and common. A lot of common things are not normal.
• ·         The will of God:
  “Make sure you’re full of the will of God, otherwise you get hungry for people’s applause.”
• ·         Creativity/gifts: A lot of my gifts are received but unused, because they are still wrapped up in fear. 

Retreat: waterfall of grace

This retreat was all about receiving. God wants me to be humble enough to receive from others and be surrendered enough to receive from God. It felt as a huge relief when I finally got it: I don't have to be strong all the time, I can admit that I also need help. Even if the problems of others might be bigger, that doesn't make my problems smaller. God showed me that I first need to learn how to receive before He can do anything else this year.

The poem of the waterfall tells the best what I experienced spiritually this retreat. I felt like God pulled me in His waterfall of grace. He gave me 29 prophetic words, 2 major breakthroughs, an amazing encounter with Him and so many encouraging and inspiring conversations that I can’t even count them. People have been pouring into my identity, have encouraged me to do what God said me to do and helped me.

This retreat was also about discovering the amazing people of my Revival Group. He showed me the beautiful heart of the people around me. I am abundantly blessed!

Prophetic art: freedom instead of fear
One of the things that I really want to focus on this year is prophetic art. Prophetic art is creating art which shows Gods love or what He wants to say. I always loved art and creativity, but I was afraid to be an artist because of the fear of not being good enough. God is breaking off that fear and helping me to stand in freedom. Because of a lot of things my perspective changed from my inability to paint/create, to His ability to work through my creations/paintings. I'm still struggling with that fear sometimes, but I'm choosing to step out in faith in this area. I did a drama audition for my activation (outreach) and I was accepted. Every week I have a art class (AMT) too, where I learn how to bring Gods presence to paintings and some painting skills.  I also applied for the 'worship through art'-ministry and that will be extra curriculum for school this year. I'll be a part of a creative community of first year students, I'll have a mentor (experienced artist) who will help me as an aspiring artist and...  October 31 I'll be on stage painting during worship! I'm so scared and so excited, and I think that's a good combination to live life! I'll post some prophetic art pieces on my blog later.

Culture and community: gold diggers
I love the community I live in! It's a amazing community of gold diggers, people who are searching and showing the gold in people. My roommates, my neighbors and my Revival Group are all absolutely amazing people, full of fire, passion, purity and inspiration. They're so beautiful, inside and outside!
After school and in the weekends we're having worship nights, prophetic circles, spontaneous Holy Spirit nights, fun things and just quality time (besides the tons of homework/reading!). My Revival Group has an amazing encouraging atmosphere, and because of that I'm starting to loosen up and being myself and the RG begins to feel like family.

If I need to summarize how I'm doing I could say that I'm learning how to receive, live in community and I'm overwhelmingly blessed.  Sometimes I wonder how is it possible that every day is better than the day before! Amazing how very evening when I go to sleep I feel like a different person than I was when I woke up that day. I'm where I need to be, that's one of the best feelings in the world!

Second week in Redding: finding my place

Al bijna twee weken woon ik in Redding, California. In mijn vorige post kon je (in het Engels) lezen hoe de eerste dagen eruit zagen. Ik zal proberen een korte beschrijving te geven van deze afgelopen week.

Houses turning into homes
I'll be honest with you, the first week was exciting, amazing and intense, but not easy. I had a hard time getting used to all the new things. I didn't expect to have a culture shock in a country that seems to look like my own country, but I was wrong. The combination of a culture shock, another language to express yourself, another climate, other habits, lack of sleep, lots of new impressions and (most of all) a different home situation was a little bit too much. I kind of lost myself between the new things and old insecurities came up again.
 But after an 'Umbrella-day' (see this poem), some time with the God Who never changes and some hugs and prayers of my lovely roommates, I found myself again.

This week I can truly say I'm my happy old self again, my house turned into a home and my roommates turned into close sisters. I found my place here and I can be myself now at home and loosen up. Because we made a schedule for every week, we now have a good balance between school, fun time, home work time, cooking/cleaning and Jesus-time. Everybody knows each other a lot better now after tears, talk, hugs, laughs and prayers, and so we form a little family now. What a privilege to have such beautiful roommates, sisters and friends: Kaitie, Judie and Roos!

Ps; speaking of my apartment: take a look at this little video I made to show the living room, kitchen, dining room and sleeping room:


School: diving in and getting deep
Last Monday we had our registration, which meant 3,5 hours of waiting in line. Trust me, waiting in line for hours with a lot of BSSM-students is NOT boring, that means meeting new people, prayers, prophecies, Holy Spirit-outbreaks and hugs for hours! Tuesday was my first school day and wow, what a privilege to be a student of Bethel School of Supernatural Ministries!
I dived in and got deep this week. We have school in a huge room, we start with pre-school prayer and then we have worship. Speaking about open heavens! You could almost taste the hunger and expectation in the room, and the Holy Spirit feels welcome in such an atmosphere! I already had some beautiful God-encounters this week, and we've only had 3 days of school yet!

 I prayed that God has my permission to touch me, encounter me and change me beyond my boundaries, beyond my understanding and beyond my expectations. I want to say YES to all of Him, also to the parts that are not appealing to me now. I want to be changed from the inside out. I want to be the hungriest of the hungriest people, I don't only want to be a part of Gods army, but I want to run in the front, fighting on the frontier, facing the enemy without fear. I'm ready to be confronted with my weaknesses, so I can be filled up with His power. That's a dangerous prayer, but I believe that this is what God has in store for me, and I won't settle for anythings less!

After worship we have teachings, this week we had teachings from both Bill Johnson and Kris Vallotan every day. Believe me, everyday I walked out of my school building completely drenched by wisdom, empowered by deep revelations of new spiritual truths, hungry for more of God and strengthened in my faith. Add 2 hours of daily reading in the Bible and other books to that, and you can imagine how my week was like and how my coming months will look like!

Core values: love, honor, risks, accountability:
This week we've also learned about the core values of BSSM. Let me give a short summary:

• Loving God, others and yourself: "To know me is to love me. If you don't love me, that's just because you don't know me."
• Finding your true royal identity: we had to take the prince/pauper test. ( http://kvministries.com/prince-pauper-test) It's not about the scores, it's just a great and confronting way to find out if you're living out your royal identity. Recommended! 
• Risks: if I don't fail at least 3 times this school year, I can't graduate, because that means that I have not taken enough risks and I stayed in my comfort zone. Welcome to my school of risk! "Faith is spelled R-I-S-K." So we have to do the things we're scared of, because those are the things you can grow in. I really feel like God is leading me to step out in prophetic art, because I have never really done that as in outreach. That's why my choices of 'activations' (outreach) look like this (these are my options, it's not clear yet which activation I get):
• Accountability: "You need someone who you trust more than you trust yourself, so they confront you when you're being deceived. You need that, because the nature of deception is that you don't know you're deceived." So we will get a mentor/spiritual parents to share our hearts with and they can confront us. 

I've learned much much more, did so many fun stuff and met so many great people, but I don't have the time to tell about that now. I love to hear how's it going with you guys, thank you for the interest, prayers and support!

First week in Redding, California

Rollercoaster

Last few days were a rollercoaster.

I stepped into this rollercoaster Monday morning. I hugged my lovely parents and brother for the last time, wiped the tears of my face and stepped into my rollercoaster cart. The first part of the rollercoaster was already crazy. In 25 hours we travelled 14000 kilometers in 3 flights. Dragging your heavy bags all over the place, waiting for hours, going through security 10 times, looking out of our plane window at the beautiful sunset and lights of the cities, interviews at Customs, running through San Francisco Airport to catch your last flight (which we almost missed because our second flight had a delay): traveling is stressful, fun and exhausting.

So there we were. Sitting on bench at the very small airport of Redding. Three lonely roadtrippers with 6 bags around us and a guitar on Roos’ lap.. We’re singing songs like “So could you put your bag on the floor. Judie do your duty. We’re heading to Redding.” Just one look at my face would tell you that I’m exhausted and excited. Exhausted because I have hardly slept for the last 32 hours. Excited because we finally arrived in our new hometown. Adventure is in the air. We see a car coming, and there is Kaitie, our roommate. We share some hugs and we already know that we’re going to love her. When we had put all of our baggage in the car (except for my foot, which I stuck out of the car window. No joke.) we drove to our new home. And wow, it looked even more beautiful than on the pictures. Huge L-shaped couch, big kitchen, light sleeping room: we felt so lucky. After some getting-to-know-each-other-talks, we dived into our beds for our first night in this roller coaster called ‘The Bethel-adventure.’

The crazy rollercoaster went on the rest of the week. Waking up early, meeting lots of new people, learning the American culture and learning so many new things. Sometimes it feels like I’m walking in a movie, everything is so American! J We’re eating pizza, having movie nights, driving through Redding with loud music and open windows and we’re going to Starbucks, I think all the stereotypes I’ve had about America are true so far. Our apartment begins to feel like home and I love it that our neighbors and other people are just walking in and take a seat. Everybody is feels welcome, because everybody is welcome.

I haven't laughed so hard, danced so crazy, sang so loud, met so many new people and said I love you so many times in the last months as I did in this week. Everybody loves music, so we often end up singing and dancing and playing the guitar when we hang out with people. I love the quality time with my roommates and neighbors, I really want to discover their hearts and share mine.

We walked to our school Wednesday, it was a long, hot, but beautiful walk. We’ve met a lot of Bethel-students on our way, somehow people recognize each other as Bethel students. Partly because of the accents of the international students and partly because of the ‘Jesus-eyes’ and the joy on the faces of the people who go to Bethel. Redding is flooded with Bethel-people, it’s like having a huge family meeting in one town. Everybody is so nice and always willing to help or to give you a ride. No offence, but comparing to the people in Holland Americans are like angels.

Friday we went to the lake, it was so breathtaking beautiful. Normally I go on a holiday to see beautiful nature like this, but I live here now for 9 months! Forgetting my camera and art book was my biggest mistake of that day, there is so much beauty everywhere that I want to capture and absorb it. The rollercoaster slowed down for a second when I was reading Bill Johnson’s book on a rock in the sun, peaceful sounds around me and cool clear water of the lake before me.

Our first service at Bethel Church was at Friday night. I can’t believe this is our new home church now! Bethel Church is full of Spirit-filled people in a place where Gods presence is welcome anytime and anyhow, that just explodes in beautiful colors of love. That’s the only way I can explain it.

I also have some difficult moments, when I really have trouble to get used to all the new things. The rollercoaster doesn’t stop and isn’t slowing down. Sometimes the speed just dazzles me. Four days ago I was with my family, peacefully spending the weekend at home. Right now, I’m living on my own, in an apartment in Redding with 3 other girls in a country with different habits, language and culture. It’s so good, but so different. I love my roommates and they already feel like family. But sometimes I have to make sure that I’ll just be me, and I’ll stay close to myself.

I need some time alone to process all those new things, so I have the strength to hold on to the things that make me Eline. When I forget to take the time to capture moments and spend time with my God, I can easily forget who I am and what I love. Luckily I can lean on the strong shoulders of Wisdom. In this adventurous rollercoaster, Jesus is my Seatbelt and His words are my security. So when the rollercoaster is about to dive deep and I’m scared of falling out, I just focus on my Seatbelt. Because I know it will hold me in the right place, I don’t have to be scared, I can just be excited. And when I’m sure He won’t let me go and this rollercoaster is going the right way, I can throw my hands in the air and scream from the top of my longs “I AM ALIVE!” 

I can enjoy the ride with Him by my side.

Beautiful Mess

Een verfkleed over m'n vloerbedekking.
Verf, kwasten, spullen over de vloer bezaaid.
Keiharde muziek aan.
 Ik in m'n chillclothes, op m'n knieen voor een groot, wit vel.
De witte leegte wordt aangevallen met schreeuwende kleuren en sprekende woorden.
Een middag volledig 100% Eline zijn.

A beautiful mess, painting chaos...

When I look at my paintings,
 I don't have to think it's perfectly beautiful,
 I only have to see my expressed heart in it.

Capturing my hearts journey in photographs

Leaving Childhood Behind

Last weeks I've been on a journey through my heart.
 It was interesting, terrifying, joyful, painful, lovely, sad and surprising. It's weird how you can get to know yourself better when you start having time alone and having quality time with your Maker.
I still haven't figured it out yet, but Gods works doesn't have to fit into my words :)

So Judie and I have done a photo shoot last week, it's been a while ago! I wanted to show something of my hearts journey through the photographs and I'm happy how it turned out. I also found a way of photo editing which is really really fast, and allows you just to edit the light, color tones and contrast without turning real persons into barbies :)

I normally don't share so much pictures of myself, but who cares. It's not about me on the pictures, it's about the pictures matching the ideas in my head.

Leaving my childhood behind, moving out of my comfort zone... 






Writing down my heart in lonely poems... 





Painting on the walls of my heart... 



A heart without walls, invites other heart to open up...

Poetry Book

"Dear Inspiration.
 I love you, I really do.
But why do you always have to visit me in the night?
Well, thank you for those 10 poems you just delivered me, but please, please, let me go to sleep now.
 I'll meet you in slumberland.
 Forever yours, El"
    - Status update Facebook

Mijn inspiratie komt altijd 's nachts. Zo heb ik in één uur rond middernacht bijna 10 gedichten/one-liners geschreven en nog 3 schetsen tot gedichten. Ik ben zo blij met m'n Poetry Book, mooie verzamelplek voor al deze gedichten. De meeste gedichten zijn te persoonlijk om openbaar te maken op m'n blog, maar als je nieuwsgierig bent mag je in real life misschien wel een kijkje nemen in m'n poetrybook. :)

Profetic Poem

Lente schoonmaak

De wind tikt op het raam

Hij wil naar binnen

Kapotte kopjes knikken de knieën

Klinkende klokken vertikken de tijd

Stille stofjes stuiven op

Pakkende papieren staan plagend hun plaats af,

Rinkelend roest roetsjt  naar benee

Bonte bedden bibberen bang

Geschade schotels schudden heftig

nee

Maar zelfs de noordenwind

            is zo teder als het zuiden


 ©ElineMillenaar

Beautiful Dreamer

Sooo I've changed the name of my blog. Let me explain why. :)

Ik ben dit blog begonnen in januari 2009. Bijna 3,5 jaar geleden dus en dit lijkt misschien niet zo lang geleden, maar in die 3,5 jaar ben ik zo erg veranderd. Er is er zoveel gebeurd in mij en om mij, dat ik mezelf niet meer terug herken.
Ik schreef in m'n eerste post: 

"De naam zegt het eigenlijk al, dit blog gaat over wie ik ben.
Ik ga mijn eigen ik zoeken, leren kennen en met jullie delen..
Ik hoop dat jullie mij zo willen leren kennen, en me zo willen helpen zoeken.

Dus.. sit back and enjoy.. :-)
Bedankt dat jullie mij willen leren kennen!
(maar: Like it or leave it!)"

Ik was in die periode heel erg opzoek naar wie ik was en die zoektocht ging gepaard met een hoop onzekerheid. Daarom lees ik niet graag dingen uit die tijd terug, omdat dat zo erg verschilt van hoe ik nu tegen mezelf, de wereld en mijn leven aankijk. Toch heeft ook die periode me gemaakt tot wie ik nu ben, dus verwijder ik het niet... 

Maar ik vond dat het tijd werd voor een nieuwe titel. Ik geloof dat de zoektocht naar je identiteit, en dan vooral naar je identiteit in God, je hele leven lang doorgaat, je ontdekt jezelf en je talenten steeds meer. Maar ik kan nu wel zeggen dat ik mezelf gevonden heb, heb leren kennen en durf te delen. De titel 'searching, knowing, sharing who I am' is dus niet zo toepasselijk meer. :-) Bovendien impliceert die titel dat het allemaal om MIJ gaat, om wie IK ben, terwijl ik daar nu anders over denk. Ik wil met dit blog natuurlijk dingen die ik (leuk) vind, maak, doe en ben delen, maar daardoor wil ik juist anderen te inspireren om ook zichzelf te zoeken en te vinden. I love to be inspired and to inspire, that's what I want to share with this blog!

En als ik dan mensen kan inspireren om hun IK te vinden door de IK BEN DIE IK BEN te vinden, dan is mijn doel helemaal geslaagd :) 

Mijn nieuwe naam is 'beautiful dreamer'. Ik heb hier even over getwijfeld omdat het nu net lijkt alsof ik mezelf ongelofelijk prachtig vind. Haha, nou dat bedoel ik niet. Ik vind beautiful dreamer een mooie, poetische naam die mijn manier van leven goed beschrijft. I'm in love with beauty, ik kan ontzettend genieten van alle mooie, kleine dingen om me heen. Ik hou ervan om mooie dingen te zien, te ontdekken, te verzamelen en te creeeren. Als ik alle mini-kunstwerkjes om me heen zie, in mensen, in de natuur of in spontane, prachtige composities, raak ik telkens weer verwonderd over de schoonheid van de Kunstenaar. 

Beautiful dreamer, omdat ik een enorme dromer ben. Ik zeg vaak dat ik teveel dromen heb voor één leven en dat het daarom maar goed is dat we de eeuwigheid hebben :-) Ik geloof in de schoonheid van dromen!

I hope I can inspire you by everything I write, post, create, photograph or share. BeYOUtiful! 

PWW: On the edge of the unknown

This week I've made my own poetry book. I first searched for an ordinary notebook, but all the notebooks in the stores didn't match the image I had in my mind.
 So... I decided to make my own!
Just some cardboard, paper, fabric, leather, a needle and a thread and I had my own poetry book!
Love it!
It's called: on the edge of the unknown...





It's going to be filled with my own poems, one-liners and words, and poems, one-liners and words that inspire me. It's still unknown now, but not for long... :)

Poetry is my mirror

A page of my artbook I made last sunday.
Poetry is one of my mirrors...

The words and the style shows how I felt last week.
 I need some rest and order in this busy chaos where I always have to be strong...

PWW: Fotoboek

Ik blader door het fotoboek,

Zie gezichten die ik eens was,

Momenten die ik eens beleefde,

Mensen die ik eens kende,

Levens die ik eens leefde.

Achter iedere foto een wereld van herinneringen…

Kleine babyvoetjes,

Op ontdekkingsreis vol verwondering,

Doorkomende tandjes,

Veelvuldig gezien in een stralende lach,

Zoekende handjes met nauwkeurige vingertjes,

Vaak te vinden in de sterke handen van haar Papa

Sprankelende oogjes,

Onbezorgde jeugd, toekomst vol dromen weerspiegeld.

 

Jij ziet een broertje en een zusje.

Ik zie lieve Joram, mijn liefste broertje, met wie ik mijn hele jeugd gedeeld heb.

Ik herinner me de ontelbare spelletjes die we speelden,

de hutten die we bouwden,

de knikkers, knuffels, beeldjes, dieren, stokjes, pennen, die de onderwerpen werden in onze verzonnen situaties,

de zelfbedachte verhalen die we uitspeelden

en de werelden die we in fantasie schiepen.

Ik lach om de humor die we deelden, de grapjes die wij alleen snapten.

Ik weet hoe we opgroeiden en veranderden, hoe onze band met ieder jaar sterker en hechter werd.

Jij ziet twee meisjes ingesmeerd met modder.

Ik ruik nog steeds de modder die we op onze huid smeerde.

Ik hoor nog steeds ons besluit dat  we net zo bruin zouden worden als de kindjes in Afrika.

Ik zie m’n mama nog fronzen met een glimlach op haar lippen als ik en m’n vakantie vriendinnetje haar stralend vertellen dat we nu wel onze gewilde, maar verboden douche móeten nemen.

Ik voel nog steeds het ijskoude beekwater die ons duidelijk maakte dat mama toch niet zo makkelijk over te halen was.

 Jij ziet een gewoon gezin in bed liggen.

Ik zie twee schaterlachende hummeltjes, die samen met mama de stofjes in het licht proberen te vangen. Ik ruik nog steeds de vertrouwde geur van de ‘grote zolder’ met het ‘grote bed’ van papa en mama. Ik herinner me de vele ochtenden dat ik in dat grote bed kroop en de nerven van het houten plafond gebruikte voor de spelletjes in m’n hoofd, totdat mama wakker werd, of papa zijn boek uithad.

Jij ziet een schattig stelletje verkleed als bruid en bruidegom.

Ik zie Elmar en onze vaste overtuiging dat we later zouden trouwen en op een boerderij met 2 paarden, een hond, 3 katten en 4 cavia’s zouden gaan wonen.

Ik voel weer de frustratie als oma glimlachend vroeg hoe het met m’n vriendje ging.

Hoe vaak moest ik haar nog vertellen dat Elmar m’n ver-loof-de was!?

Jij ziet een klein meisje in haar pyjama met heel veel knuffels.

Ik ken nog steeds de naam en het verzonnen karakter van iedere knuffel.

Ik voel weer de angst voor het donker en het veilige gevoel van de bescherming van m’n knuffels.

Ik herinner me de vaste overtuiging dat overal leeuwen en tijgers op de loer lagen en dat ik vooral in het donker erg op m’n hoede moest zijn.

Jij ziet vele vakanties en talloze campings.

Ik herken avonturen, belevenissen, verdwalende tochten in bossen en momenten die ik nooit zal vergeten.

Ik zie landen en omgeving ieder jaar veranderen, maar ik zie ook altijd de bewandelbare bergen op hun vaste plek aan de horizon van ieder vakantiekiekje staan.

Jij ziet vele en vele verjaardagen.

Ik zie de constante tradities, maar ook duidelijke veranderingen.

Ik hoor het altijd terugkomende verjaardagsliedje, ik lach nog om de gekke dansjes en polonaises die we 4 keer per jaar erop uitvoerden als er iemand jarig was.

Ik zie de feestjes veranderen, vriendjes komen en gaan, plekken verwisseld worden, gasten toegevoegd worden en opa’s en oma’s missen. Ik zie de indianenstrepen op m’n wang verdwijnen, cadeaus van poppen naar sieraden gaan en het aantal kaarsjes op de taart oplopen.

Ik zie m’n luie oog met een bobbel, oogpleisters en vele, vele brilmonturen bedekt worden.

Ik herken jeugdvriendjes en oud-klasgenootjes en herinner onze verwaterde vriendschap.

Ik zie het nummer achter het woordje ‘groep’ op de klassenfoto’s steeds verder toenemen.

Ik zie parmantige houdingen, een pittig mondje, onderzoekende ogen, stralende lachen, handen die al vroeg graag uit mouwen werden gestoken en rode haren in verschillende vormen en maten.

Ik zie dit kleine meisje veranderen, gezichten karakteriseren en een lichaam groeien en vormen.

Jij ziet een onopvallend meisje in de van de brugklasfoto.

Ik zie onzekerheid in haar ogen verschijnen, de woorden ‘zorgen’ en ‘eisen’ in haar woordenboek opdoemen.

Ik ken haar moeilijke jaar, haar onbeantwoorde roep naar vrienden.

Maar ik weet ook dat ik een paar bladzijdes verder in dit fotoboek gerustgesteld zal worden door vrolijke, gezonde portretten.

Ik weet dat ik typische tienerfoto’s zal vinden, inclusief veel verschillende kledingstijlen, wisselende en blijvende vriendschappen, gekke bekken, zoekende zelfportretten en een sterker wordende persoonlijkheid.

Ik weet wie ze wordt, want ik weet wie ik nu ben.

Ik heb mezelf gevonden. 

Benieuwd naar de "Behind the scenes" van dit stukje? 

Zie  http://sks-eline.blogspot.com/2012/03/painting-with-words-behind-scenes.html 

©Eline Millenaar