Blog moved

"There is no line on the horizon. 
Only an open invitation to explore both worlds, 
discover the depths of heaven and earth." 

 I am proud to announce that I finally launched my new blog!
After years of having 5 blogs with different purposes and on different platforms, I decided to start all over again.
My photography portfolio and website are still in process, but my new blog is ready to be filled.
It's a step in a direction towards my dreams and it's a place where I can share my heart in writing and photography.

 Join me and explore the open horizons at:
http://exploreopenhorizons.wordpress.com/

This blog won't be updated anymore after this day, but will remain online to display 5-year worth of memories and stories.
A huge thanks to my followers and readers, I hope to see you at the new blog!

The Timeless One

(I'm currently taking a writers class at school. One of the assignments was to write 200-400 words about the way we encounter God and connect with Him. I wrote a little poetic piece about how I meet with God in peaceful rest.) 

In the soft whispers of silence I hear my strong Savior speak. It's in the hidden corners of a world full of whirlwinds that I meet with the Prince of Peace. The Timeless One is never in a rush. 

He holds me tight as I unwind in His everlasting embrace. He trades pressure for peace, fear for freedom and hurry for hope. I linger at His feet as time seems to stand still. I dive into the depths of His gaze and let His furious love drown me. 

Only melodies of music surround me and only my pen can find the paper. Words form worlds when my eyes find the face of my Maker. I sketch the outlines of His countenance and allow the limited vocabulary of my heart to describe this Relentless Lover. The form of His faithfulness and the shape of His steadfastness paints the rest of my day. 

His loving affection pours over me like a powerful waterfall that I can barely stand. How can I ever receive a love so limitless? 

But I lean into His arms to hear His words in my ear. "And if you can't grasp it today, I will still be here tomorrow."

In rest I am found, in peace I will remain. 

Travel journal: Nicaragua day 1

Travel journal: Friday - day 1 of the Bethel Missiontrip to Nicaragua 

I lay my hands on the school seats and pray that there will come world changers, revivalist and leaders of this nation out of these chairs. Positive statements in Spanish, drawings and learning tools are displayed on the colorful walls of the classroom. The bright colors of the paint reflect the hope this ‘lighthouse’ brings. Miriam, wife of pastor Ramon, just showed us around in the school, daycare and church. Normally, these rooms are filled with many children from the neighborhood and the trash dumps, who enjoy the care, education and protection of the ministry. But now it’s Spring break, so the rooms are only filled with 14 Bethel-students who are walking around and releasing blessing. The power of intercession is bigger than we can ever imagination, so it feels like a huge privilege to be able to pray for this place. I walk around the rooms as I pray and observe. Stocks of colorful, little chairs remind me that we were just told that in a room, that’s smaller than my bedroom, they take care of 31 toddlers. We can only imagine what that must look like after the weekend, when school starts again.

The sun shines bright in my eyes and the wind takes my hair when I step outside. I look up to the sky and declare that the glory of God will shine on this place as the sun is beaming down on it, and the Holy Spirit will  move as the wind blows through the palm trees. As I walk by the kitchen and pray for more than enough food for all the kids, the words of Miriam resound through my memory. “God provide for my heroes”. She told us about her teachers, who are her heroes. They can’t pay them  as much as they would want to pay them, because the kids go to school and daycare for free. It’s inspiring to hear how the pastor’s couple are living in trust and dependency of the donations of Gods people for Gods people. I pray for provision for her heroes, the teachers, and I pray for provision for my new heroes: the pastor and his wife. 

--

We’re taking a tour through Managua in the van. Through the car windows we see the environment change and become poorer and poorer, until we arrive at the dumps. Charity is surprised when she sees the streets full of colorful houses. “Wow, these weren’t here a couple of years ago!” Mario, our guide and translator, explains that Spain has supported the build of many houses for the people who lived in the dumps for more than 5 years. Where there once was nothing but dirt, dust and trash, are now cleaned out streets with small, cement houses in the colors of the rainbow. Of course everybody is excited to hear about the improvement of the living conditions of the people. But Mario also points out that these people are still in need, especially spiritually. “You can get the people out of the dumps, but you can’t get the dumps out of the people. They need a change in the way they think and therefor they need God in their lives.” We all agree, that’s the reason why we want to serve the pastor’s ministry in the trash dump  these weeks. Even though we’re driving through some extreme poverty, we are all convinced of the hope that there’s available for the country. “I love my country, I want to serve my people. My favorite part of Nicaragua is their hospitality and their social attitude,” tells Mario while we are driving past many colorful houses where families are sitting on their porch. Kids play in plastic pools to escape the tropical heat and older people are talking to neighbors. “I grew up and was raised in Managua. My favorite part is that everybody always meets outside. I would meet my friends on the corner. God has placed me here for a purpose.” The love for his nation and passion for his people is contagious. Yes, Nicaragua is a beautiful country full of potential.

©ElineMillenaar

Magazine Nicaragua Missiontrip

This has my heart. Pictures, design and words combined to share a message. This time I made a magazine to share the experiences and stories of our missions trip to Nicaragua. Stories, testimonies, pictures, jokes and reports... it's all in there. Check it out and leave a comment :)

Click here for the magazine!

Oh and note to self: no more designing magazines in Word. 2 pages before I was finished, the software did something weird and completely messed up my design. Frustration to the max! So I'm praying that Jesus will miraculously download Adobe InDesign on my laptop... That would be amazing haha!

Mission trip to Nicaragua

Colored with hope.

Green, yellow,  pink and orange. Balloons in all different colors and shapes are floating through the air, accompanied by soap bubbles and the sounds of many excited children. Some team members are painting the kid’s faces while others are carrying around little babies. We are at a daycare of El Faro, a church in Managua, Nicaragua. This is the church we serve these 10 days of our mission trip. The church has a daycare and school for children from the trash dumps and the surrounding neighborhood. Every morning we get to help them serve the kids breakfast and play with them afterwards. The future of this nations lays in the little hands of these children. It’s our honor to invest in them, because we realize that each of them has to full potential of becoming a world changer. 

The pastors of the church have already proven themselves to be world changers. Pastor Ramon and his wife Miriam lead the church El Faro, the school, the day care, the ‘sowing machine ministry’, the partnering churches in the dumps and the family of their 2 daughters and 5 adopted children. They live in genuine integrity and love in every area of their lives and the results are following their heart’s attitude. It’s just a small church, but their impact on the community is massive. They are God’s heroes, and became ours too.

Green, blue and orange. The houses beside the road are painted colorfully. We catch glimpses of the city as we drive out of Managua towards the trash dump Tipitapa. The colors of the city fade away quickly into shades of grey and brown of dirt and faded colors of poverty. We arrive at a little village looking out over a large piece of ground full of trash, dirt and burning tires. The houses of the village are made of material that’s probably coming out of the same trash dumps. The people here live and work here, they collect pieces of plastic for almost a week to sell it for less than 2 dollar. These are the circumstances that the newspapers would label as extreme poverty. We enter one of the houses and meet a family of three: Mario and Teresa and their son Domingo. We get to pray for the hernia of Mario, and his back pain completely leaves as we release the healing power of Jesus! We love on them, hug them, pray for them and prophecy life over them. After she dried her tears, Teresa proudly shows us around in her garden where she grows a couple of trees and plants for food. We are all just as excited as she is and are amazed by how well she stewards the little she has. We bless the ground and the plants to be supernatural fruitful before we continue our ‘freestyle treasure hunt’ in the trash dump. A couple of precious families, many prayers and a pair of healed knees later we are on our way back to the city again. As we drive through the village I no longer see the devastating, despairing state of the village anymore. I see many people who know the value of family better than we do. I see Gods precious children being hungry for more of Him and better living circumstances, but being trapped in the vicious circle of poverty and a poverty mentality. My heart breaks as I see that their living circumstances are way below what they should be for precious, royal sons and daughters of the King. But my heart rejoices together with Gods heart in who they are. They are not pitiful, hopeless, sad beings, they are people with great potential and who will run with whatever is given them. If success is measured in character and relationships instead of accomplishment, our Western world might be less successful then these people. Perhaps we should listen to them more and learn from them instead of labeling them as helpless without our help. I try to take off my Western glasses and look at them from a Kingdom perspective. All of a sudden I see this village in the dumps becoming green. Green is the color of hope, growth and fruitfulness. I see the ground of this village becoming fruitful and producing enough food for the families to sustain themselves. I see the ground of the heart of the people becoming soft and fruitful for the seed of the Spirit of God and creating an atmosphere of harmony, love and community. All of a sudden I’m overwhelmed by this sense of hope for this place. There’s more hidden gold in the dirt of the trash dumps than I expected to find.

Green, yellow and blue. Colorful little chairs are set up for the kids of the church. Their moms and dads and our team take their seats behind them. We are at the church in the village in the trash dump Tipitapa again, but this time for the Sunday morning service. Luckily the Presence of God is not dependent on whether you speak the language of the worship songs or not, so we dance, hum and worship with them as good as we can. One of our team members gets up to preach and afterwards our team calls out prophecies to different people in the church. Surprised looks on their faces, tears welling up in their eyes or big smiles shaping their mouths; their reactions to the words of God are beautiful. The same beautiful responses is seen on the faces of the church leaders when we meet with them after the service. We call out different words of knowledge and pray for healing for many of them. God the Healer touches their lives as back pain leaves at two people, peace comes over anxious hearts, a neck can be fully moved again, headache left and pain in the knee left and could be bended completely again. These miracles of healing are seen all through our trip, because the God Whom we read about in the Bible is still the same today. The leadership meeting of the church ‘El Faro’ ended in prophetic ministry and ministry in words of knowledge and healing. On Wednesday night we led a healing service and saw many miracles. Blind eyes opened, pain leaving and full movement and functioning of body parts again. All of that just by praying in the name of Jesus. In the last church service, our team didn’t pray alone for the sick. We asked the church members to pray with us, because it’s important that they experience that the healing power of Jesus also works through their hands and prayer. And yet again, many people got touched by Gods power and were healed! Every miracle is more than a testimony of Him being still alive and an expression of the light of His kingdom invading the darkness, it’s in His very nature to heal and show His love to His children!

Green and grey. The grey walls are steadily covered in green as we paint the classrooms of the school at El Faro. Some are scrubbing the floor, others are cleaning the chairs and another part of our team is repairing the roof of Carolina. Carolina is feeding many children from the trash dumps every day in collaboration with El Faro, but her own house is about to collapse because of the bad condition of her roof. Our whole team came to Nicaragua to bring revival and minister in love. Bringing revival looks like praying and prophesying over people, but it also looks like serving practically in love and honor. Ministry is nothing more and nothing less than love. Love looks like something and has many forms to express herself. As sweat and dirt are covering our skin, the revelation that we are being the (working) hands and feet of God is covering our hearts. We want to build the Kingdom and leave something tangible behind in the spiritual atmosphere and in the physical environment.

Green, red, orange and purple. The market is filled with colorful products inviting us to buy souvenirs or just enjoy the laid-back pace of our ‘fun-day’. We’ve seen the poverty of the country, as well as the beauty of her nature and culture. We find that beauty in a cup of iced coffee in Casa del Café, in the experience of a market inside an old castle and in the flavors of mango’s and coconuts that just fell of the trees. We find the beauty as we are floating on a boat past little islands in a lake with a volcano at the horizon and palm trees full of birds and monkeys besides the water. It feels like we’re floating through a National Geographic magazine. Our leaders don’t jam our time full with ministry and activity, but give us enough time to rest, bond as a team and enjoy this trip. And since is ministry not something you do, but an overflow of who you are, there are always plenty of ministry opportunities. The security guard of a coffee shop had no more pain in his knees after prayer and a single mom who was begging on the streets full of tourists in Grenada felt loved and seen as we prayed and prophesied over her. Ministry is not restricted to church services, it’s a lifestyle of love!

Red, orange, yellow, green, blue and purple. All the colors of the rainbow are displayed in the rich culture of Nicaragua. Some were bright and shining, some were faded away in the dimming darkness of poverty. But from all the colors we’ve experienced this mission trip, we will always remember how one color forever painted the inside of our hearts towards nations, places and people. Green, the color of hope.

©Eline Millenaar – April 10, 2013

It's a beautiful life

Life is not only serious business. Life is fun. Life is doing stuff with friends. Life is enjoying moments. Life is capturing those moments.

Let me share those captured moments of enjoying life.

My first drivers lesson! My roommate taught me how to drive a stick shift.
Paying 2500 dollars for a Dutch drivers license? No thanks, we do it American style!

A day exploring San Francisco with friends. What a beautiful city! 

I'm in love with my daily morning-routine. I love sitting at the river side in the sun with my music, journal, books, Bible and the presence of the speaking God. It's my time to breathe and hear the rhythms of my heart and His heart come into a beautiful harmony.

These pictures are taken at our Valentines Party with some of my amazing friends.
About this party, I wrote on Facebook:
 I've never been treated this honoring by men in all my life. Big shout out for the guys of my Revival Group. You made me feel respected, valued and loved as a woman tonight at our Valentines party. Thank you for serving us during dinner, the roses, prophetic words and declarations and your honor. You spoke my love language, my love tank is filled!

Friends, food, beautiful view, camfire, worship, prophecy, fun: perfect night!

Although we look like we are ready to take off into the Universe, we actually were ready to paint that thing behind us.
Why? Because revival in a city doesn't only mean that we go out on the streets to pray for people and we have Church meetings in town. It also means serving the city by cleaning, painting and doing manual labor on our day off. 

A birthday with the Dutch Bethel-students. My family, not by blood, but by  heart!

Blog update BSSM

Something that has been on my to-do-list for ages is writing an update for my BSSM blog. Since I'm leaving Thursday for Nica, I had to write it this weekend. Tadaaaa http://judieeline.blogspot.com/2013/03/times-flies.html there it is! I feel so accomplished! Haha, anyways, here is my part as an update on how my heart and life are doing. Sorry, it's in Dutch!

--

Wow, de tijd vliegt! Er gebeurt hier zoveel in een korte tijd dat het soms moeilijk is om tijd vrij te maken voor dingen zoals een blog update. Maar wij zijn jullie zeker niet vergeten en het spijt ons als dat zo lijkt! Eline zegt wel eens: “Neem een maand van een gemiddeld persoon en prop dat in één week. Welkom in mijn leven.” En zo lijkt het inderdaad, processen waar je normaal maanden of zelfs jaren over doet, gaan je hier in een aantal weken doorheen. Dit is een enorme zegen omdat  we zo heel snel kunnen groeien. Maar dat maakt deze tijd ook heel intensief, omdat al die processen wel tijd, aandacht en energie nodig hebben.

Wat is er de afgelopen maanden gebeurd in onze harten en onze levens?

Eline:

Ik heb de afgelopen maand een aantal van de moeilijkste, en meest belangrijke weken van m’n leven meegemaakt. Moeilijk omdat ik door een proces van innerlijke genezing heen ging, met alle emoties die daarbij komen. Innerlijke genezing is niet alleen voor mensen die trauma’s hebben of een verschrikkelijke jeugd hebben gehad. Ieder persoon heeft ergens diep van binnen pijn en angsten (gehad), omdat niemand een perfect leven heeft (gehad). Veel mensen beseffen dit niet, omdat ze niet diep in hun hart durven te kijken, omdat ze bang zijn voor wat ze zullen ontdekken. Dit is heel begrijpelijk, maar als je beseft dat Gods liefde alle angst verdrijft en alle pijn geneest, geeft dit zowel moed als hoop om door die diepere lagen van je binnenkant heen te werken. Het klinkt alsof dat een hoop zwaar werk is en je zelf moet gaan graven in je hart. Maar ik heb die weken juist ervaren dat ik helemaal niet zelf ‘aan de slag met mezelf hoef’, maar dat ik me gewoon kan richten op God. Als ik Hem toestemming geef om zo diep te gaan als Hij weet dat ik op dit moment aankan, doet Zijn liefde de rest. Deze maanden heb ik Gods liefde dichterbij ervaren als ooit tevoren. Hoewel het lang niet altijd makkelijk was om te beseffen dat ik ook onbeantwoorde behoeftes, genegeerde pijn en gedreven angsten in de hoekjes van m’n hart had wonen, gaven de bijzondere ontmoetingen met God me zowel de kracht als de motivatie om verder te kijken. Ik hield me vast aan de belofte dat achter iedere angst een schatkamer van vrijheid ligt. (meer hierover heb ik geschreven in m’n stukje “Tears are diamonds”)

Die belofte is echt waar. Na dit proces voel ik me letterlijk een ander mens, of beter gezegd, ik voel me mezelf geworden, zonder de lagen van angst en gekwetstheid die m’n echte identiteit verstoppen. Ik heb meer liefde voor mensen, voor mezelf en voor God en ik ben meer in staat liefde te ontvangen van mensen en van God. Ik heb mezelf en God zoveel beter leren kennen! Ik ben wie ik ben en dat is genoeg. Niet wat ik doe bepaalt wie ik ben, maar wie ik ben bepaalt wat ik doe. Dat is een waarheid die ik al jarenlang geloofde met m’n hoofd, maar onbewust nog geen deel waren van mijn levensstijl en mijn hart. Nu kan ik echt zeggen dat ik dit begrijp, geloof en uitleef. Ik weet wie ik ben en dat maakt het leven eigenlijk heel erg simpel. Liefde, vrede en vreugde zijn dingen die automatisch uit mij stromen als ik mezelf ben, omdat ik ben gemaakt in het evenbeeld van de God die de Liefde Zelf is, de Vredevorst is en in wiens aanwezigheid volledige vreugde is (1 John 4: 16, Jesaja 9:6 en Psalm 16:11). Mensen lief hebben is geen hard werk meer of iets wat ik ‘moet’ doen, maar iets wat heel natuurlijk is om te doen, omdat ik gemaakt ben voor liefde! Ik heb me nog nooit zo vrij gevoeld om mezelf te zijn. God is ontzettend goed!

Ik heb me inmiddels ook aangemeld voor het tweede jaar van BSSM. Op 21 februari schreef ik hierover op Facebook: Ik heb me net aangemeld voor BSSM tweede jaar! :) Waarom nog een jaar bij Bethel? Omdat het eerste jaar zich richt op identiteit en het tweede jaar op leiderschap. Ik wil tweede jaar doen omdat ik meer van God wil, dieper in Zijn hart wil gaan en meer wil ervaren van Zijn aanwezigheid. Ik wil leren hoe ik een goede rentmeester kan zijn met de zegeningen, doorbraken en openbaringen die ik heb ontvangen, zodat het kan toenemen en ik het kan delen met de mensen om me heen! Ik wil nog langer in deze cultuur doordrenkt worden, zodat ik de cultuur van opwekking kan creeeren overal waar ik ga! Papa God en ik hebben het erover gehad en we vonden het allebei een goed idee om terug te komen in Redding na de zomer! :)

Aankomende donderdag vertrek ik op mijn zendingsreis naar Nicaragua. Ik heb al het geld binnen gekregen op bijzondere wijze door giften, God heeft voorzien! Iedereen die gebeden heeft of een gift gegeven heeft; ontzettend bedankt! Alles wat ik meemaak in Nica deze weken zullen ook een deel van jouw leven zijn omdat je in mijn ‘team’ zit! Ik heb enorm veel zin in de reis, we gaan voornamelijk met een lokale ministry mee die daar op de vuillnisbelt Tikatipa de mensen lief hebt en de kinderen voedt. We zullen ook kerken bezoeken, de straten opgaan, veel tijd nemen om voor mensen te bidden, met kinderen spelen en Gods aanwezigheid brengen in het op twee-na-armste land van Zuid-Amerika. Ik ben benieuwd naar alle getuigenissen die hieruit gaan komen! Ik moet wel toegeven dat ik de afgelopen dagen een klein beetje gestrest ben, omdat het voor mij heel belangrijk is om me goed voor te bereiden. Buiten alle praktische voorbereiding om (die ook veel tijd kosten), wil ik me ook geestelijk en emotioneel kunnen voorbereiden op een intensieve bedieningstijd deze reis. Maar aangezien school nog door gaat en ik nog veel moet regelen voor donderdag, kan ik niet helemaal de rust/tijd voor de emotionele voorbereiding vinden. Zouden jullie voor vrede en mogelijkheid tot rust willen bidden?

En dan zijn er nog duizenden dingen die ik zou kunnen vertellen die we hier mee maken. Bizarre ontmoetingen, bemoedigende getuigenissen, radicale veranderingen, grote dromen, leuke uitjes en creatieve expressies. Je kunt hierover lezen op onze Facebook updates, mijnpersoonlijke blog of anders in persoon naar vragen als we terug zijn. Bedankt voor je tijd, gebed en betrokkenheid!

The value of beauty

The lovely Danae asked me to be her guest blogger for one time and write something about the power of beauty. So I did... and you can find the result here:

Click on this link for my piece about 'the value of beauty'

 “Beauty is an aspect of Gods glory which attracts the soul and rises up a desire to respond to it.”

The importance of love

Please let me remind you of what I've been reminded of over and over again: the importance of love. 

Listen with me, I can hear the heart cries around me and within me: LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM. 

In this culture of extreme annointing it's easy to love someone for what they do, what they have, what they carry or what they can give. In this culture of willingness to help, it's easy to love someone for what they need. In this culture of fast changes, it's easy to love someone for who they were. In this prophetic culture, it's easy to love someone for who they will be. But the truth is, you will not love someone when they are who they will be unless you love them for who they are right now, because the person they will be is already in the person they are now. 

It's easy to love people for what they do, what they have, what they give, what they need, who they were and who they will be. It's a life task to love people for who they are. 

If your life is a pen and you're writing a message on every heart you encounter, the most powerful words you can engrave in their hearts is: "I love you for who you are and I want you to know the One whose nature is Love." 

When my time here on earth is done and I go to my beautiful King (how I love Him!), there's only one thing I want to hear from His mouth and read in His eyes. I don't care how powerful my ministry has been, how many churches have been awakened by my preachings and books, how many bodies and hearts have been healed through my prayers and not even how many people have said 'yes' to Jesus in my lifetime. I only care about one thing and that's hearing Him say: "She knew how to love people for who they are, because she saw Me in every single one of them." 

No matter what I say, what I believe and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

(1 Corinthians 13: 4, The Message). 

Tears are diamonds

Tears are diamonds

“Autch!” I quickly withdraw my hands as the hot stove leaves a mark on them. As cold water tries to cool down the burning, I wonder about how my fingers would look if my natural response to pain wouldn’t be to withdraw. Luckily my body reacts faster than my conscious mind does in those situations. I’ve learned my lesson, oven gloves are not just a nice accessory, but rather really necessary. Pain has taught me well.

Just as your body, your heart’s response to pain is withdrawal. When you are hurt by someone, your first reaction is to withdraw. Pain cries out for protection and restoration and it won’t stop crying until it’s satisfied. You can put it in a locked, soundproof room of your heart, but that won’t make Pain stop crying, you just won’t hear it anymore. It’s cry for protection will make you shut yourself off. Pain never wants to be repeated, no matter the cost. But what pain doesn’t make you realize is that when you respond out of hurt, the only result is more pain. By protecting yourself you miss out on the most important things you need for restoration.

To some degree, we all are afraid of pain. Some people already start crying when someone steps on their toe, while others only say “that’s unfortunate!” when a nail pierces their two fingers. But even you have such a high pain tolerance as the man in the last situation (it’s a true story), you will always try to prevent pain. Pain’s purpose is to become more careful so it can be prevented. Next time I’ll take lasagna out of the oven, I will first make sure I’m wearing my oven gloves! The more afraid you are for pain, the more careful you’re living in order to prevent it.

Pain has a very clear message and the difficult thing is that the message is true. You need to be protected and sometimes you need to be careful because the pain is an indication for real danger. But the message pain gives is not the full truth, it’s influenced by fear. Especially when pain is locked up in the soundproof room, it screams louder and louder in order to be heard, until the point that it’s message is taken into extremes. Unprocessed pain can destroy your heart once it breaks loose and the fear for more pain can wreck your life. Pain itself is not wrong, but the way we deal with it is the problem.

Pain is not bad, we’ve attached way more fear to it than necessary. We have become afraid to let people come close to us, because of the fear of being hurt (again). But only when you let people come close enough to hurt you, they are close enough to love you. I smile when a stranger says I’m beautiful, but after 10 minutes I already forgot about it. But if my best friend or my mentor points out an aspect of my identity which is admirable,  I feel truly loved. The love of the ones who are closer to you is more valuable than the love of the ones who are at a distance. That’s why you can only receive love to the extend you’ve allowed people to come close you. That’s also why you are always hurt the most by the ones you love the most. They know your weaknesses, most vulnerable parts,  insecurities and secrets. Just touching one of your wounds can be more hurtful than a stab of a knife at a healthy spot. Every time you share you heart, you’re taking a risk. You’re giving people an opportunity to hurt your inner core, but you’re also giving them an opportunity to get to know you better. To know you is to love you, so the more people know you, the more they love you.

God once told me: “You are fighting the arms that are meant to hold you.” As I started thinking about this, I saw what He meant. For years I’ve been trying to be as independent and self-sufficient as possible, until I found out this year that those were not virtues but hindrances for growth. I started to learn to express my needs and let others help me. In that process I felt incredibly vulnerable. It was scary to see how much closer people could come. Luckily I’m in a very safe environment, surrounded by people who want the best for me. But I wasn’t used to having people come so close, so I found myself withdrawing from those relationships or fighting their attempts to help me. I was so afraid of pain, that I tried to protect myself while I actually was withholding myself from the things I needed the most: love, support, understanding and protection.

Even with God this is true. We are afraid to let Him come too close, because His love opens up the doors of our heart, especially the locked ones with screaming pain behind them. But He will always give us the love and the strength to be able to process the pain. I’ve had some pretty tough weeks this month because of this very reason, but I can truly say it’s all worth it. Because of some emotional healing,  I now experience deeper levels of love for God, from God, from people and for people. I could have shut off and stopped the processes that we were working through, because it was too painful. But I learned to hold on the hands with holes who were healing the holes in my heart. I discovered that the most valuable treasures are often found in dark corners of fear and in deep rivers of tears. You can’t heal the wounds you don’t know you have and you can’t receive the things you don’t know you need. Discovering your wounds and needs can be extremely painful, but it’s the only way to healing and full wholeness.

So take the risk. Accept Daddy God’s love. Let people come close. Process the pain. Let them love you. Listen to your pain, but let Love’s message be the only one that remains. Let love come, even if the measure of love is bigger than the measure of what you think are worth. Go deep. Share your heart. Feel. Cry. Live.

 Because tears caught in the light of the Sun are always transformed into diamonds. 

ARTelier

I desperately need a studio (atelier). One big enough for me to run around, dance, and make paintings on canvasses bigger than myself. One with walls filled with pictures, paintings and colors and where every corner is filled with a poem. One where I can turn up the music to the max, and can scream, laugh, cry and sing without anyone ever hearing me. One where I can splash paint around without ever having to worry that it becomes a 'too big of a mess'. I would call it my ARTelier and I would express my heart there without having to deal with anybody else. Then after some hours of deep exhaling, I would walk out to inhale again. Beauty is the artist's breath.

 That's what my heart needs, especially when in a emotionally extreme season.  But I won't wait for my ARTelier, I'll start with what I have now and dream for more. :) So when you walk into our apartment, it often looks like a bomb exploded in our dining room. A creative explosion covers the table, chairs and ground, made by either me or my roommate Roos.

Let there be ART!

Reality, Identity and Destiny

At school we've had some amazing teachings of Steve and Wendy Backlund about the power of words, declarations, hope and truth instead of lies. I knew about the power of words, but still I got a deeper revelation about the importance of speaking truth over your life.

Anytime I learn something, I don't want to just keep it on my knowledge-shelf, I want to apply it in my life. So put together a personal declaration. In this declaration I wrote down in 20 points who God have said I am, positive things about my identity and destiny, positive expectations for that day and the opposite truth of every lie I (have) believe(d) in. The first point is for example: "I am loved, I am a lover and I am lovable! To know me is to love me." The last point is: "It only becomes better. There's only increase in the Kingdom. I will go from glory to glory, the best is yet to come."  You get the idea ;)
Every morning I read this personalized declaration and a declaration we got from school out loud while doing my hair and make-up, a good preparation for the day! It's amazing how much I've changed by such a simple act of speaking the truth over my life, I feel less led by random thoughts and emotions and more led by truth and Gods Spirit. I can recognize lies in my thinking way easier and quicker now, because the truth I spoke over myself that morning pops in my head. The effects I already see are amazing!

So I decided to take it a step further. I bought a small binder and decided to create my Eline-book out of this. I wanted a place where I collected all my prophecies, encounters, testimonies, virtues and dreams. So I printed out all the prophecies that are spoken over me this school year. Prophecies are words of God spoken by people. In case you're wondering how you can know that those words are from God, I can testify you that it is true. I've received the exact same words about my future and my character several times by different people, sometimes people who don't know me at all and are not connected to the other people who told me the exact same words. Isn't that amazing?
I also printed out my most life-changing encounters I've had with God, some Scriptures that feel like my life-verses and a list of 60 dreams. A couple of months ago I started writing a list of 100 dreams for my life, both small and big dreams. I'm now at number 75 and I'm pretty excited for my life! :)

Now I have my heart put in a book and can read over my reality, identity and destiny as many times as I want!
I encourage you to do the same! Take the challenge and see for yourself what the results in your life will be.

Personal Papa

Papa is personal 

“Daddy’s home!” Screams and laughter immediately fills the hallway while 5 kids are running down the stairs, and jumping into Daddy’s arms. “Hey kids, I missed you! Hi precious-Paige, hi princess-Sarah, hi energy-bomb-Tom, hi strong-Stephen and hello butterfly-Bella!” Daddy gives every kid a hug while he calls them by name. “It’s date night tonight!” His voice hasn’t left his mouth fully yet before all the excited voices of the kids join him in a loud cheer.

Every time Daddy would take one of his kids out on a ‘Daddy-date’. What that looked like is different for every one of them. While he spend hours talking with Paige in her favorite coffee shop, he wouldn't dare to take Tom anywhere with four walls. No, energy-bomb-Tom and he would go to a playground and chase each other while gliding off the slides. His daughter Bella loves to be active too, but she rather takes her Dad to her ballet class and show him all the new dance moves she has learned that week. And they would wait until everybody left the dance room after class so Bella and her Dad could dance around the room. They would dance until the music stopped and the lights were turned off and Bella was feeling dizzy because her father swirled her around for so many times. Stephen would often laugh at Bella when she told him what they had done on their Daddy-date, because that didn’t sound fun for him at all. He would much rather play games with his Dad, whether that would be chess or football. Dad would play just good enough to challenge Stephen, but of course he always lets him win. And last but not least, during the Daddy-date with Sarah they would never be just with the two of them. They always are always accompanied by crayons, pencils and paint in all the colors of the rainbow. The hands of Sarah and her Dad would always be filled with paintbrushes, scissors and glue sticks, until the papers on the table would not show any white anymore. And every painting little Sarah finished is shown to Daddy. Daddy would praise her creativity and welcome her new masterpiece with a lot of “Oh”’s and “Ah”’s. Daddy would take her painting and put it on the fridge, where the surface was completely filled with her creative expressions, Daddy’s trophies.

The best fathers are personal fathers, who see the unique identity of every child and speaks his or her own language. Good Dads don’t spend time with energetic boys in the same way he spends time with creative girls. The best Dad of the whole Universe is our Father God, and yet we think that every one of His children needs to spend time with Him in one and the same way. We drown ourselves into seas of words, commentaries, Bible verses and books, while our guitar is begging us to let the sounds be lifted up as a sacrifice of worship. We tie ourselves down to our chairs to have some ‘serious prayer time’, while our feet are restless and can’t wait to take us somewhere beautiful. We lock ourselves in our closet to be able to hear Gods voice and see His face, while the images that keep coming into our mind are not allowed to be released onto the canvas in the corner of the room. Religion taught us well. 

We’ve learned that the only way to succeed as a Christian is when we are at least reading 3 chapters of the Bible, spending hours praying on our knees while a blindfold forces our eyes to remain closed and the only movement accepted is the heart moved in compassion. And then we wonder why the colors of both the interior of our churches and the hairs of our members becomes more and more gray. The (young) people don’t find the freedom to express their unique selves in Christianity anymore, so keep searching for something else.

Do we really think that our Daddy God is going to be mad at us when we instead of saying prayers that we’ve heard from others in Church, express the deepest melodies of our heart in the sounds of a singing voice or vibration of a guitar string? Do we really think that Daddy God is disappointed in us when we’re not able to spend hours in the silence of a prayer chapel, but rather drive around in our car while loud music in blasting out of our speakers, while we hear Him speak through the lyrics? Do we really think that we are less spiritual when we are not digesting 10 chapters of the rules written in Leviticus, but rather take one verse and chew on it over and over again, until we can actually taste the life-changing flavor of love? Do you really think that God is pointing His condemning finger to the mother of three small children, because she is always singing songs of thanksgiving while she’s doing the dishes, but she doesn’t have the time to lock herself in the prayer closet? Who taught us that the Father -who invented fatherhood and intended relationships to be the most perfect reflection of His character- is actually a worse Dad than the ones we see on earth? He created us in the most complicated, unique shape that can only be defined by the word ‘masterpiece’. Do we really think that He made us in that shape, so it would become difficult and painful when we’re pushed through the hole of the status quo, so we can become insecure when we don’t fit into the ‘one size fits all’?

No, our Daddy God is a personal Father. Many rules of Christianity are never given by God Himself, but created by a fearful force called ‘religion’. Father God celebrates our uniqueness and doesn’t only love us, He also likes us! Yes, the only way to  develop a relationship with someone you love is by spending time with that person. Spending time with God and developing a friendship with Him should be our number one priority in our hearts and agendas, because out of that friendship flows every good thing in life. All the desires of our heart – love, acceptance, confidence, revelation of identity, a sense of purpose, safety and restoration – are found in Him. But He is a personal God and we are unique children, so that relationship looks different for everybody else.

For me, that relationship looks like spending a few undisturbed hours every morning with my King. I love being in the prayer chapel for the whole day, just surrounded by silence and peace. My time with God is for 90% just laying down with music in my ears. I talk to Him about everything I’m going through, I listen to what He wants to say, I see things in my mind He wants to show me and I often find myself having deep conversations with Wisdom. I love diving in the Word and seeing the prophetic meaning of old stories or discovering the depths of the words in the verses, but I find it really difficult to read more than two chapters in one time. Does this make me the perfect example of a Christian? No! Does this mean everybody has to spend hours and hours in the ‘secret place’ in order to be ‘holy enough’? No! My calling is knowing Gods heart and translating the message of His heartbeat. The only way I can do that is by taking a lot of time to listen to what He wants to say, without being distracted. This is my way of connecting to God, but it’s not the only way.

Listen to what I’m NOT saying. I’m not saying that we should stop reading our Bibles, we should never pray anymore and let our alone-time with God be completely wiped away from schedules. I really do believe that everybody should have some time in completely silence, eat the bread of the Word and make our request and thanksgiving known to God! But how that looks like… that’s up to you and Daddy God. Don’t confine yourself by rules and restrictions God never intended to exist. Whether your Daddy-date looks like running 8 miles around town (I already get exhausted just by the idea!), or like splashing the rainbow on a canvas, or like sitting in a corner of a coffee shop journaling until you see Gods words interact with your written words: Daddy enjoys it when you are enjoying your time with Him! He’s too great to be put in a box and great enough to let Himself be caught by your uniqueness.

And even though our quality time with our Father is so important, if that one one-on-One meeting is the only moment we’re being around Him, we’re not developing close friendship, but a long distance relationship. Imagine how close you would be to your father if you would only see him once a week on your ‘daddy-date’, while the rest of the days you won’t even say hi to him. God is not only a Father of the Daddy-dates, but also a Father who longs to walk with us in daily life. In that way He can catch us when we’re falling, laugh with us when we’re having fun, speak through the mouths of people around us and constantly show His love in a thousand little gifts all through the day. How walking with the Father looks like is different for everybody again. Isn’t it a beautiful adventure that we can discover our own, personal way of connecting to the Creator of the Universe on the most unique way?

Let the Church shine in beautiful diversity again, so she becomes attractive to all the ones who don’t want to be contained by the walls of religion. 

©ElineMillenaar

Loving in Nature

I'm so blessed with my roommates. We made this video a couple of weeks ago, when we went out to the lake for some love-time and worship.

I am thankful!

Collaging chaos

I decided that the way my to-do lists look like is a perfect display of the way my left and right side of my brain work together. I think in lists, I have to make lists in order to get all those thoughts, ideas and craziness in my head into order. I even think in lists when I'm having a conversation with someone, so I can always get back to the 'main road' when we went off on rabbit trails. I take notes at school in lists, I make lists when I have a lot of things to do and I make lists when I have a day off.

I just love lists! That's the administrative, left side of my brain.

But then my right side. My right side loves images, colors and beautiful designs. My right side makes me happy. So when I'm making todo-lists, I'm collaging them. It takes me perhaps 5 minutes more work, but everytime I look at my list, I become happy! 

Wanna know where I'm talking about about left and right side of the brain? Look at this picture (not made by me):

Hunger and thankfulness

I believe in the balance between thankfulness and hunger. Hunger without thankfulness ends up in frustration or striving. Thankfulness without hunger ends up in settling down, and standing still is actually moving backwards. But I also believe that thankfulness and hunger are not two opposites. Hunger is a sign of thankfulness. Hunger says "I like this so much that I want more.", which is the ultimate way of expressing your value and thankfulness for the gift. And thankfulness for what we have already received, paves the way to receive the 'more' we're hungry for.

 The last weeks I realized how much more is available, whether it's through teachings, experiences, encounters with God or conversations with people who carry more Presence than I do yet. I can get either insecure and intimidated by it, or get inspired by it. I want to be inspired, learn, learn, learn, receive more, but yet remain as a child. Childlike hunger expects and desires the very best, never settles for less, but yet gives complete security in your identity right now and doesn't strive into receiving. 

 I pray for an increase in both thankfulness and hunger for everyone who reads this. There's always more! Please, please, please, never settle, you are way too awesome to shut yourself off by not stretching out for more!

The blessing of a burden

The blessing of a burden

Sometimes wisdom doesn't need extravagant words in poetic lines. Sometimes it doesn’t need the illustrations of examples or the colors of creative writing.
Sometimes wisdom is beautiful enough to be its own masterpiece.
 So let me share with you one of the eye-openers I received while staring in the eyes of Wisdom.

Every blessing has a burden and every burden has a blessing.
Every revelation has a responsibility and every responsibility has a revelation.

Let me unpack this gift of two sentences for you. Every blessing has a burden, because every blessing needs to be stewarded, used for the right purpose and protected in order to keep it. We often long for the blessings, but are not willing or able to take up the burdens. We often received blessings, but neglected the attached burdens by not using it as it was meant to be. A lot of blessings give us the ability to help others, so with an increase of blessing we also experience an increase of the demand for help. Add to that the responsibility of stewarding a blessing. Stewarding a blessing can look like being thankful for it, protecting it, treasuring it, sharing it or recording it. Are we willing to bear the burden of a blessing?

Every burden has a blessing, because the burden releases the blessing attached to it. Most people are not willing to carry any burden of people because they fail to see the blessing that’s attached to it. For example, intercession is a way of carrying someone’s burden, because you pray for a problem that’s not directly affecting you. The breakthroughs of the people we prayed for, are also written down on our account as our ‘fruit’ or ‘harvest’, as we call it in beautiful Christianees. When we would really realize this, we would be more willing to bear burdens. I don’t say that the reward should be your first motive, because there’s just something beautiful in sharing a burden with someone, because you look like the One who took the whole world on His shoulders only for the sake of Love. But I do say that there’s a reward of carrying burdens together with people. 

In the Christmas break, God put on my heart to pray for the students of my school that they won’t sit down and take ‘a break from God’ while they were at home, but would keep running after more of Him. While I was praying for this, He showed me that every student who gets up and started running again because of my prayer, will give me personally extra speed and strength to run even harder in my own life. This is just an example of the blessing of bearing a burden. Another one could be in the area of finances. I always had a hard time asking people for money, especially because I’m used to taking care of myself. But since I’m dependent on the donations of people for my mission trip, I learned that I’m robbing others from their opportunity of being blessed by not asking to carry my financial burden with them. Read that sentence again. You rob people of their opportunity of sharing in your blessing by not asking them for help in bearing your burden. I’ve been amazingly privileged with this chance of going to Nicaragua to love on the poorest of the poor. This trip will have a harvest that many others would love to see in their own lives, but they don’t have a chance to go. But like Bill Johnson says: “If you can’t go, send”. By giving people the chance of sending me, I let them be a part of my trip and it will make the harvest of my trip also a harvest of their lives! This new perspective on giving has both stirred up a humility to ask for help and a generosity to give in my heart, both two things that I was rather unfamiliar with before.

I can’t write about burdens without quoting Wisdom Himself: “My burden is light and my yoke is easy.” Burdens given by God are never heavier than we can carry. Yokes were always carried by two oxen, and the strongest ox carried the heaviest part. That’s why Jesus’ burden is light, because He’s carrying it with us and is actually carrying the heaviest part. It’s a privilege to share His burden, because it gives us direction on our path and a deeper level of friendship as we work together. The only burden we are meant to carry with Him is the burden of love. Let’s never refuse a blessing because we’re afraid of the burden, because every burden comes with the blessing of an increase in strength to develop the ability to carry it.

Every revelation has a responsibility, because being aware of something makes you accountable for your response. If you are walking over a bridge and there’s someone almost drowning underneath it, are you responsible for it? That depends on whether or not you’ve seen or heard the person drown. If not, than it was not your responsibility, because the problem was not revealed to you. But if you did hear that person cry out for help and you chose to ignore it, you are responsible for the cause. It’s the same with spiritual revelations. If you have a revelation that something is wrong and you still do it, you’re responsible for it. When you did the exact same thing before you knew it was wrong, it was not your fault, but a consequence of lack of knowledge of truth. There for, knowledge is somewhat dangerous and wisdom somewhat demanding, because you’re responsible to act according to what you know and experienced. But both knowledge and wisdom are priceless treasures whose value goes far beyond the price that is paid for it. In every revelation lays the wisdom in how to deal with the responsibility.

Every responsibility has a revelation, because when you choose to make yourself responsible for something, you position yourself to be given the revelations you need in order to take care of your responsibility. The same principle as the burdens and the blessings applies here. The President of the United States gets insight into the most important cases of the country and meets with the most influential leaders all around the world, because he embraced his responsibility to take care of America. Doors are opened to the people who are taking the risk to enter the hallway of responsibility.

Burdens and blessings, responsibilities and revelations. I’m absolutely not trying to communicate that you should never ask for a blessing or revelation anymore, because of the burdens and responsibilities that are attached to it. Just like I said, any blessing always outweighs the attached burden. I want to help you receive those blessings and revelations, because I’ve seen in both my life and in the lives of people around me two big hindrances for receive blessings. The first is a lack of knowledge about the preparations and stewardship that are asked of you when receiving a blessing. The second is a fear of bearing any burden, which hinders a lot of blessings to come. 

Let me end with the truth that is more true than anything that I just wrote: blessings and revelations are gifts of a good Daddy God, which can’t be earned, but are given in grace. There’s no striving into blessing. A teachable spirit always keeps learning and a childlike heart always keeps receiving.

©ElineMillenaar

Poems and tears

Words are the way my inside gets outside. And if, only for a moment, my inside contains a lot of water, a night of processing emotions turns into a couple of pages full of poems and tears. :) 

"“When does this stop?!
End this endless flow,
these waves of emotions!”

She screamed silently
while she floated
up and
        down.

But then she realized
she was addicted to the water."

--

"Even though,
the bright white
hurts my eyes

And more,
the mysterious black
scares my heart

Rather this,
then any shade of grey."

--

"I stare outside
my church window
and wonder what the
world would look like
if we truly believed
the word
was never meant to live
only inside the word.

Even its letters
scream to break out
into the reader’s life."

--

"I think there’s a good reason
that my left hand
doesn't fit into my right.

Even they understand
I need others too."

--

"I know you promised to always be my tree,
but if I come as a whirlwind,
would you still be able to handle me?"

--

"A blank paper,
waiting to be breathed upon,
proves to me
the beauty of nothing.
So empty of anything,
yet so full of everything."

-- 

"I’m too much in love with
depths
to be ever afraid of
heights." 

©ElineMillenaar

Dust

"Stains and scratches only carry stories for the ones who made them."
"The past and the present must reunite to let the future happen."
"The off-key sounds seems to harmonize with the brokenness inside." 
"Dust always returns to dust. Drowning is my only chance to live again." 

Some sentences from my prophetic, poetic story called "Dust". 
I presented it for my Creativity Track for school, this is my personal project for the writers group and my first fictional story in English. It's about someone who returns to an old, abandoned house and the description of the rooms are symbolic for the process of the main character. The house is a symbol of the heart, but the rest of the interpretation is up to you! See this link for the story: 
http://issuu.com/missglowinthedark/docs/dust?mode=window or click on the magazine to read it in fullscreen.

How I love to paint with words :)

Oh and while I wrote it I listened to these songs, because beautiful music with poetic lyrics is just the best to get your inspiration from! 

Cinematic Orchestra - to build a home

Cinematic Orchestra - arrival of the birds

Cinematic Orchestra - exodus  

Prophetic painting

My lovely roommate Kaitie gave me the most incredible Christmas present ever: she made this prophetic painting for me. Isn't it beautiful!?

This is so me. Seriously, this is a summary of who I am. The dancer, the freedom, the balance between order and chaos, the bright colors, the fire colors, the expressiveness: this is me!
And then the words, a part of the lyrics from a song:

"It was the rhythm of the dancers that gave the poet's life.

It was the spirit of the poets that gave the soldiers strength to fight.

It is the fire of the young ones,

it is the wisdom of the old." 

 - City on the hill 

That is me! Dancer, poet, soldier, fire and wisdom: things I am or want to be. Wow!
Every time I walk in my bedroom and see this painting above my bed, I get reminded of my identity and destiny!

Christmas break: family, peace and homework

"2,5 weeks Christmas break... Plenty of time! I will miss everybody so much, it's so long!"
-2 weeks later-
"Where did the time go? I have so much things I still want and need to do and school starts Monday!"

Yes, this Christmas break flew by, but not because it was so incredibly busy. It was actually really peaceful, but productive at the same time because I did a lot of homework. January is a crazy homework month at my school, so I'm glad I got these weeks to catch up.

Some examples of my homework are... reading the Bible, doing a 4-hour long Bible study on 2nd John, reading a book called 'Supernatural ways of royalty' (incredible!) and filling in the 'Supernatural ways of royalty-workbook'. That workbook is filled with 175 pages of questions like "What would you not be willing to give up if God asked you to" and "What are the 10 rules/beliefs in your home/childhood? Which ones do you still recognize as truth and which ones not as (completely) true anymore?" and "If you was raised to become the President or Queen of the country, on what areas would your behavior and beliefs be different than they are now?" and "Do you get your identity from the things that you do or the things that you are?". It takes me sometimes 10 minutes to answer a question, because I have to think so deep and really reflect on some things. Really good, really practical and life changing.



So the content of my homework is amazing, but the locations I'm doing my homework, have my prayer-time and my 'think and journal'-time is incredible too! One of my favorite places on earth is the Alabaster house: the prayer house of Bethel Church (and the 'prophetic garden' around it). It's a room that's open 24/7 for everybody who just needs a quiet place with a peaceful atmosphere to focus on God without getting distracted. I love biking there in the mornings, especially when the sun shines on the snow of the mountain tops and I can enjoy the beautiful nature around me. And after that nice bike ride I get to spend a few undisturbed hours with my King before I head back and start the rest of my activities. Love it!



This break I stayed in Redding, so I had to miss my family who are back in the Netherlands. But luckily there's a Dutch family here in Redding who 'adopted' me and my roommates as 'spiritual daughters' and are taking such good care of us. We can always stay there, just to enjoy the family feeling for as long as we want. These last weeks I spend more nights at their house than in my own apartment! The house is filled with amazing inspiring people and my conversations with them are some of the highlights of this break. Some people have the ability to change your mindset completely and make you think about things you were 'sure of''. They are that kind of people and that's the kind of people I want to surround myself with. I always want to keep learning, keep changing and keep thinking.

At that "Dutchies house" they have a backyard where I sat down to journal and do homework for an afternoon. I was sitting in the sun next to the glittering Sacramento river, it's as warm at January 1st in California as it is in May/June in the Netherlands. I love it! Birds singing, ducks floating on the river and squirrels chasing each other between the trees. (sounds really romantic, but since someone called squirrels 'a rat with a really long tail' I find them way less attractive!)



What a privilege to live this life. :-)

Presents: packages of love!

I love giving presents, I love putting a lot of time, love and creativity in gifts.
Christmas is a perfect opportunity to show people they're loved...

As a student, I don't have a lot of money to buy big gifts, but that doesn't mean I can't put a lot of love in it! I made this package for my best friend and roommate, Judie, for Christmas. It was a package full of little presents to encourage her to live LIFE and take care of her spirit, soul and body. I attached little cards to every present with an inspiring quote or little love note. The package itself is made of a milk bottle, painted in red haha! Colors are really important for me and I just enjoyed the fact that literally everything was in the right color scheme of pink/red. :)

Give some love!

Beautiful mess

“I’m a mess, I’m a mess, I’m a mess right now,

Don’t fix me up, just lay me down,

You fill me up to pour me out,

I am undone.”

-Steffany Frizzell, spontaneous song

Think of all the masterpieces which wouldn’t exist if the artists weren’t allowed to make a mess. What a loss, right? Now think of all the spiritual, mental and emotional masterpieces that don’t exist because we don’t allow ourselves and others to make a mess. Isn’t that an even greater loss than the artistic masterpieces?

Sometimes we need a mess in order to create beauty. Sometimes we value order way too much, so we don’t let the process happen. But if we want to grow, we must allow things to come up to the surface. When things come up to the surface, it can become messy, because we aren’t used to having those deep things out in the open.

A couple of weeks ago I was in one of those very messy growing seasons. It was painful, it was confusing and it sure was chaotic. A growth-bomb exploded in the room of my heart. The floor was filled with pictures and photographs, showing experiences from the past and the present. The walls had splashes of paint, all the different colors of my emotion-pallet were dripping from the walls. Through the splashes of color there were written words and sentences. Some were lies and some were truths, some were carved into the walls and some were just written with a pencil, some were ending with an exclamation mark and some were ending in a point. Question marks as big as chairs were seated at the sides of the room, asking for answers to sit in them. Fears were shivering in some corners of shadow, holding on to insecurities to cover them. Every time I decided to leave the fast stream of daily life for a moment and entered the room in my heart, I was shocked by the mess.

My character, habits and nature screamed: “Clean it up! Create order in this chaos!” But somehow I could find beauty in this big, exploded mess. I fought against the urge to clean it up, the only thing I did was walk around often to observe the things that were happening in the big messy process of growth and learn from it. And every time I walked around the room, I opened a window to let the Wind in. I trusted the One who was standing right in the middle of the mess, He knew what He was doing and knew when it would be the time to clean it up. I believed it was not only going to be okay, it was also going to create something beautiful.

And it did. I learned more from the weeks my heart was in this messy process than in the weeks my heart was orderly. The mess was necessary for God to paint the masterpiece of my identity clearer, more beautiful and with brighter colors. Because I could let the Wind, the Holy Spirit, do what He wanted to do in this process, I was able to even enjoy the process before seeing the result. I often had to make the choice to not try to fix myself or let others fix me, but just allow myself to feel crappy for some moments (but not let my feelings take over completely!). I had to choose not to search for the easy answers to my questions, but be okay to not be sure about some things and not have my opinion as strong and secure as always. I had to choose to not pretend like the pains and fears weren’t there, but face them and work through them and their causes together with God. I had to choose not to let the process end before we actually worked through the depths of the problem. I let Go(d) and the mess turned into beauty in His timing.

I want to encourage you to have the courage to let a process last for as long as it takes and to not be afraid of messes. Let your roots grow deep, even if it hurts to grow through a hard layer in the ground. Allow messes, not only for yourself, but also for others. Sometimes people don’t want to get fixed, don’t want answers to their questions or a solution to their problems. Sometimes they just need a shoulder the cry on, a hug to tell them they’re loved, a listening silence which invites them to share their hearts and an acceptance of who they are, what they’re going through and what they feel. It’s okay if the answer to ‘how are you’ is not ‘good’, because you can rather be real than perfect. Allow yourself and others to be real by not expecting perfection. The most beautiful masterpieces come out of the most chaotic messes.

“Where no oxen are, the crib is clean: but much increase is by the strength of the ox.”
                - Proverbs